Tucson CitizenTucson Citizen

Humor by Argus Hamilton: In need of more taxpayers

Congress passed the largest budget bill ever. It is spending money at record-breaking speed. The only way the United States is going to be able to pay off this debt is if we start raising taxpayers in puppy mills.

President Obama paid a surprise visit to Iraq and said he wants the Iraqi people to begin taking control of their own country. They can’t wait. They’ve watched Obama move to nationalize auto companies and banks, and if they’re going to have a dictator, they would just as soon have a home-grown one.

Forbes magazine listed Mexico’s cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on its annual list of billionaires. He’s quite a shrewd businessman. Just by keeping his cash out of banks and the stock market, he sailed by 2,000 people on last year’s list.

The White House forced GM’s Chief Executive Rick Wagoner to leave as a condition for federal aid. It’s a new kind of farm subsidy for the upper Midwest states. Every spring, the government is going to till the soil by running companies into the ground.

Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano (right) changed the “war on terror” to the “overseas contingency operations.” She also changed terror attacks to man-caused disasters. Next year, March Madness will be known as Bipolar Disorder Month.

“It’s a Small World” reopened in Disneyland after two years of reconstruction. It’s been updated. You can tell the ride is open because as you walk around the park, no one can stop singing “We Are Just a Small Part of the World but We Are Responsible for the Suffering in Darfur.”

President Obama is making plans to lift the ban on family travel to Cuba. It’s such a compassionate move. The Gambino family, the Genovese family and the Lansky family lost a lot of property to the Castro family and they would like to get some of it back.

The President promised General Motors workers that he would not let them lose their jobs. He’s expected to put union leaders and environmentalists on GM’s board. The plan is to save the company by retooling three plants to manufacture picket signs.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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