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Humor by Argus Hamilton: Michael Vick faster ahead of the curve

Michael Vick told a bankruptcy court judge he hopes to play in the NFL for 10 more years after he gets out of prison next month. He lost his house, his job and all his money two years ago. He was always a year and a half faster than everyone.

Madonna was refused permission by the presiding judge in Malawi to adopt an African girl. She remains determined. The singer is tired of having to break her backup dancers of all their bad work habits and wants to raise them from cubs.

Iraq ended its contract with Blackwater Security due to all the brute force used by the company’s mercenaries. That was the plan. The U.S. didn’t want Iraq to get the bends going from Saddam Hussein to freedom, and Blackwater was the middle ground.

President Obama thanked France and Germany for agreeing to help in Afghanistan. It’s the same old combo. The United States will provide ground troops and spy planes; Britain, air cavalry; Canada, transport; Germany, marching music; and France, refreshments.

Barney Frank (right) authored a bill to let Congress set the pay scale for all jobs in bailed-out companies. His committee just called Charlie Brown to testify. He once successfully ran a lemonade stand, and Congress just wanted to pick his brain.

President Obama overturned a Bush administration regulation that limited protection for endangered species. He doesn’t want anything to go extinct while he’s in office. He may have to cut taxes to protect the habitat of the endangered investor.

Former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker has been appointed by the president to head a commission to study rebalancing the tax code. You know what that means. The stock market went up 180 points on news that Obama wasn’t going to do anything.

Bill Clinton acknowledged that he has hand tremors. However, his doctor said it’s not Parkinson’s. It’s too late. If Clinton had a medical excuse for not being able to control his hands 10 years ago, he wouldn’t have been impeached.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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