President Obama was questioned by civil rights groups for assassinating three Somali pirates. He did the right thing. Considering the cash hauls the pirates were getting and their belief in no government, they were trending Republican anyway.
China News Agency showed photos of Chinese cargo ships in the Indian Ocean being shielded from Somali pirates by leaping dolphins. It made for a cute picture. Since then, the pirates have learned to ignore the dolphins; it’s the SEALs that’ll kill you.
Lehman Brothers reported to creditors it owns a half-million pounds of yellowcake uranium. It’s enough for a nuclear bomb. In September, when then-President Bush said that Lehman had to be toppled because it had weapons of mass destruction, everybody thought he was talking about mortgage-backed securities.
Al Sharpton (right) defended the pirates and called them the volunteer Somali coast guard. It’s no surprise. Last year, the pirates gave Sharpton $10,000 and an honorary degree to speak at their coast guard academy graduation ceremony.
The New York Mets were ordered to sell Bernard Madoff’s season tickets at Citi Field. The financier had bought great seats he could use to reel in new investors so he could pay off old investors, but everything collapsed in late September. The Mets understand.
Tax Day Tea Parties broke out nationwide Wednesday based on the original Boston Tea Party that led to independence. Think of the money it saved England. Losing the colonies was like divorcing a gorgeous lady who has a brother with a gambling problem.
Homeland Security angered conservatives by advising police to monitor pro-gun, anti-tax, anti-immigration and anti-big spending groups as right-wing extremists. The suspects were last seen on every denomination and coin of U.S. currency.
The FBI said cyberspies planted electronic bombs that could destroy the power grid. All computers in America would be on battery power. It would give everyone only two hours to go inside chat rooms and say good-bye to their favorite porn stars.
Rush Limbaugh left New York because of its new state millionaire tax and resulting audits, although he only works there two weeks a year. It began a stampede. The New York Yankees could kick themselves for not building their new stadium in Liechtenstein.
North Korean leader Kim Jong Il declared a national holiday last week to celebrate his missile launch. He’s especially proud of its accuracy. The missile flew almost 2,000 miles and hit its intended target – the Pacific Ocean.
Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org