Tucson CitizenTucson Citizen

Humor by Argus Hamilton

THE NEW YORK METS were ordered to sell Bernard Madoff’s season tickets at Citi Field. The financier had bought great seats he could use to reel in new investors so he could pay off old investors, but everything collapsed in late September. The Mets understand.

TAX DAY TEA PARTIES broke out nationwide Wednesday based on the original Boston Tea Party that led to independence. Think of the money it saved England. Losing the colonies was like divorcing a gorgeous lady who has a brother with a gambling problem.

HOMELAND SECURITY angered conservatives by advising police to monitor pro-gun, anti-tax, anti-immigration and anti-big spending groups as right-wing extremists. The suspects were last seen on every denomination and coin of U.S. currency.

THE FBI said cyberspies planted electronic bombs that could destroy the power grid. All computers in America would be on battery power. It would give everyone only two hours to go inside chat rooms and say good-bye to their favorite porn stars.

RUSH LIMBAUGH left New York because of its new state millionaire tax and resulting audits, although he only works there two weeks a year. It began a stampede. The New York Yankees could kick themselves for not building their new stadium in Liechtenstein.

NORTH KOREAN leader Kim Jong Il declared a national holiday last week to celebrate his missile launch. He’s especially proud of its accuracy. The missile flew almost 2,000 miles and hit its intended target – the Pacific Ocean.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

Search site | Terms of service