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Humor: Those popular Navy SEALs

Capt. Richard Phillips flew home Friday to Vermont after he was rescued from Somali pirates at sea. Three U.S. Navy SEAL snipers killed his captors Sunday. It was exhilarating. The snipers are so popular “American Idol” wants to use them as judges next year.

The U.S. Navy sailed to Africa to guard commercial ships. The military knows the risks. Disneyland just opened a ride called Pirates of the Somali Coast. You get in the boat and go around in circles until your insurance company pays the ransom.

The New York Yankees christened Yankee Stadium and its $7,000 seats. The millionaire tax has driven all the rich people out of New York. The only way they could fill the stadium is by papering the house with Somali pirates.

Baghdad reported a huge jump in car sales due to prosperous times. Iraq is the third country after Japan and Germany to lose a war to the U.S., then bask in riches. Vietnam sealed its fate as a forgotten backwater by winning the Vietnam War.

The White House was reported weighing radical options to combat global warming, including shooting pollution particles into the atmosphere to reflect the sun’s rays. If the Democrats want pollution in Earth’s atmosphere, why can’t we just go back to doing what we were doing before?

Gov. Rick Perry said Texas could legally secede from America. Texans are furious over Barack Obama’s speech in Turkey when he listed the world’s three great religions and didn’t include high school football.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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