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Humor: Captured pirate one of richest Somalis

President Obama gave a speech in Iowa for Earth Day. We can all help save the planet. Earth Day is a day when Democrats call for new sources of energy to replace fossil fuels, and Republicans make an extra effort to replace their divots.

Captured Somali pirate Abduwali Muse appeared in a Manhattan federal court where he was arraigned on charges of piracy. The 5-foot-2, 90-pound African teenager broke down crying in court. He doesn’t want to be adopted by Madonna.

Somali pirate Abduwali Muse was charged with piracy in federal court in Manhattan. A conviction carries a life sentence. It would give him three meals a day and a bed for the rest of his life, putting him on the Forbes list of the 400 richest Somalis.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom announced he will run for governor of California in the Democratic primary. A couple of years ago, he checked into rehab after his affair with a Fox News reporter was exposed. After 28 days in rehab, he was able to switch to CNN reporters and hasn’t fallen off the wagon since.

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff (right) failed to protect his assets with a bankruptcy motion. His lawyer is trying to get all charges dropped. He’s arguing that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren’t any rich people anymore.

“The Producers” opens in Germany next month for the first time, complete with the hit “Springtime for Hitler.” Bad idea. Showing “The Producers” in Germany is like showing “Boogie Nights” at the Betty Ford Center. It’s still too soon to joke about it.

General Motors announced closure of its U.S. factories for nine weeks this summer. The handwriting is on the wall. If the Detroit Lions have any sense at all, they’ll use their first draft pick Saturday to select the Los Angeles Coliseum.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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