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Humor: Obama the Monopoly champ

President Obama hosted a White House press conference to discuss his progress in office. After Obama’s first 100 days, the U.S. government owns General Motors, six banks and Chrysler. This is why no one in his family will play Monopoly with him.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry canceled all high school sporting events to slow swine flu. That’s a timid response for him. His first instinct was to stand in front of a crowd of cheering Texans and threaten to secede from the animal kingdom.

The Pentagon revealed that waterboarding an al-Qaida suspect prevented a terrorist attack on the Los Angeles Library Building several years ago. Interrogators continued to waterboard him because they didn’t think he was telling them the truth. It was two months before they would believe there was a library in Los Angeles.

Dick Cheney faced possible investigation by Democrats for torture. They will never get him to confess anything. Cheney was once oilboarded by Saddam Hussein and never gave him anything more than his name, rank and directions to Kuwait.

Warren Buffett (right) holds the annual shareholders meeting in Omaha this weekend for his Berkshire Hathaway company. He’s rapidly regaining all the money he lost last year. Two weeks before the swine flu outbreak, he invested in get-well cards.

President Obama addressed an Earth Day rally in Iowa. He flew Air Force One, helicoptered to a town amid decoys, then rode in his armor-plated limo. He said Americans needs to use our energy more wisely.

The White House agreed to obey a judge’s order to release pictures of prisoner abuse at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib. They show naked men in a pyramid formation. Only Bernie Madoff’s pyramid resulted in more people losing their shirts.

Captured Somali Abduwali Muse is jailed in New York on charges of piracy on the high seas. He will never be convicted. His jury consultant will have no trouble rounding up 12 people who download songs and movies illegally.

President Obama met with credit card executives to jaw about interest rates. He said he’s determined to get a credit card law that gets rid of all the fine print. Everybody who turns 47 suddenly thinks the print’s too small.

Photos of Bo show the first family’s new dog frolicking on the White House lawn. It’s easy for him to get outside. Ten years ago, Hillary Clinton had a doggie door installed in the kitchen so Bill could come and go at night.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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