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Humor: Fiat means Fix It Again, Taxpayers

Fort Worth, Texas, closed schools and ordered janitors to disinfect every classroom when swine flu arrived from Mexico. Is this a good idea? To get the job done in time, they’ll have to bring in janitors illegally from Mexico.

Chrysler filed for bankruptcy after bondholders refused to forgive all the debt they’re owed. The restructured company will be owned by Fiat and the United Auto Workers. Fiat is an acronym that stands for Fix It Again, Taxpayers.

GOP leaders formed the National Council for a New America to reinvigorate the GOP. The press release has John McCain, Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush on the masthead. They’re known as the GOP Past, the GOP Future and the GOP Never Again.

Joe Biden (right) told Americans to avoid air travel to keep from contracting the swine flu. He was typically off-message. It’s not the administration’s mission to destroy the airline industry. This month’s mission is to destroy the auto industry.

Gov. Rick Perry canceled Texas high school sporting events over swine flu. He couldn’t get away with this during high school football season. The Constitution forbids the government from preventing the free exercise of religion.

Hugo Chavez said socialism is reaching the U.S. due to Barack Obama. It’s just crazy. Republicans have been hoping for a great comedian to represent their side ever since Bob Hope died, but no one imagined he wouldn’t be able to speak English.

The Dollar Store reported huge sales volume during the first quarter as American consumers flocked to the retail outlet for bargains. Every item in the store sells for a dollar or less. Don’t buy your bank stocks anywhere else.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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