George W. Bush was reported Monday to have raised $100 million for his presidential library at Southern Methodist University. Silence will not be tolerated inside. It’s the only library in the world that tortures you unless you talk.
The White House reversed Joe Biden’s warning not to fly or take the subway to avoid swine flu. They said he meant to say sick people shouldn’t travel. When Biden tells you that the sky is falling, Warren Buffett invests all his money in sky.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention admitted that the swine flu is no more deadly than regular flu. It turns out the threat to America doesn’t really exist. We’re just lucky that we found out before we invaded Mexico and toppled its government.
Segway’s inventor revealed plans to make a hybrid electric car powered by an engine that uses cow manure for fuel, and then use that engine to light Third World homes. Imagine generators that run on manure. Every time President Obama says he doesn’t want to run private industry, a third of the planet could be electrocuted by the power surge.
John Edwards (right) is being investigated for the hundred grand his campaign paid to his mistress. He cheated on his wife as she battled cancer while campaigning for him. He’s so low he was recruited to be a trial lawyer while still in kindergarten.
Mine that Bird won the Kentucky Derby in an upset. The owners had him gelded last year, so there’ll be no stud fees. President Obama wants to jail the owners for the taxes they’re not going to pay on the money they aren’t going to make.
Nevada brothel Moonlite Bunny Ranch offered Rod Blagojevich an HBO reality show in which he’d supervise the hookers while they tried to tempt him. The whole idea of beginning a new life was to get away from Illinois politics.
May Day in Los Angeles saw Hispanics march for illegal immigrant rights. They demanded the full rights of American citizenship. They want Social Security and voting rights, plus 30 percent of Chrysler and 60 percent of Citigroup.
President Obama said he will consider a Supreme Court nominee’s life experience as much as judicial experience. He won’t have a litmus test except for one thing. Nobody gets a nod without supporting college football playoffs.
Hillary Clinton is offering a Weekend with Bill in a drawing to raise money to retire her campaign debt. It exemplifies the wisdom of experience. After 35 years of futile attempts to reform him, she’s decided to go with the flow and pimp him.
Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org