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Humor: Ten degrees from a Pelosi presidency

President Obama and Vice President Biden ate lunch together this week at a burger joint in Virginia. Is this smart, considering all the food safety scares? Nancy Pelosi was just 10 degrees on a meat thermometer away from being president of the United States.

Sarah Palin has joined the GOP national listening tour. Her daughter is an unwed teen mom and her sister-in-law just got busted for selling meth. She won’t be the first politician to run for national office in order to spend less time with her family.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he will retire in June. The lifelong bachelor has a cabin to himself in the woods of New Hampshire. He accepted a job on the Supreme Court only because he was tired of being interrogated every time the cops were looking for a serial killer.

The White House proposed that the U.S. spend $63 billion on medical care for foreigners overseas. That’s news. When Barack Obama campaigned on bringing free health care to the country, he neglected to mention that the country was Zimbabwe.

Michelle Obama (right) wore $500 sneakers to a food bank after she had worn a $500 blouse to plant a tree. Both were made by Lanvin. The first lady is being criticized for buying French instead of buying Chinese like the rest of us.

Congress weighed a plan to pay Americans $4,000 to replace their old vehicles with new fuel-efficient cars. The lawmakers don’t understand the economics of the situation. New cars may be more fuel efficient, but an old Pontiac sleeps four.

Chinese bureaucrats in Hubei province were ordered to smoke four packs of cigarettes every day to help boost the local tobacco economy. How backwards. Nobody in America has had to do that to keep his job since Jack Benny was sponsored by Lucky Strikes.

President Obama made clear what he’s looking for in a new Supreme Court justice to replace David Souter, who will retire. The search is on for a disabled bilingual woman of color with paid-up taxes who baby-sits her own children and mows her own lawn.

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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