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Humor: Why we like England, Canada and France

England topped a new poll of America’s favorite countries. It had an 80 percent approval rating; Canada was second. France jumped 12 points to a 57 percent approval. The poll just shows if world leaders want American support, they either need to speak English or they are going to have to show us nude photos of their wives.

Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi’s marriage broke up over his eye for a teenage blonde. The girl’s mother was a showgirl who worked for Silvio 30 years ago when he left his first wife for a then-stripper who is now his wife. Italy went through a hundred governments in 60 years until they got one that suited them.

Elizabeth Edwards’ new book tells how she felt when the National Enquirer followed husband John Edwards to the Beverly Hilton Hotel to meet his mistress and love child. She learned the same lesson that Hillary Clinton and Princess Diana learned: The best thing about having a famous husband is that it saves you a lot of money on detectives.

Rudy Giuliani (right) denounced the idea of gay marriage when New York’s Senate took up a same-sex marriage bill. He speaks from experience. As a federal prosecutor, Giuliani broke up the Five Families, and then, as a husband, he broke up three more.

President Obama left the door open for prosecution of the Bush administration. He nixed the idea of appointing a Truth Commission in Washington. It would work with the same sense of duty as an Everybody’s Actual Age Commission in Hollywood.

Alex Rodriguez was accused of tipping off pals on opposing baseball teams to the pitch that was coming. He’s had three cheating accusations in three months. Everybody figured he would break Henry Aaron’s record, but nobody ever thought he’d break Bill Clinton’s.

Italy’s prime minister Silvio Berlusconi demanded his wife apologize after she denounced him for chasing after young women. It proves there is a God. For a hundred days, comedians have been praying for a funny national leader to reveal himself.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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