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Humor: Mother’s Day with the Dodgers

The L.A. Dodgers drew a giant crowd to its stadium Mother’s Day. They gave away free female fertility drugs to the first 10,000 moms. As long as they had to clean out Manny Ramirez’s locker, it seemed a shame to throw it away.

President Obama stood up at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and told jokes about himself and his family. The press walked out. They will not tolerate anyone telling jokes about Obama. They think it’s racist.

Mexico declared an end to the swine flu epidemic. People already forgot about it. When Americans realized that the Taliban were just an hour’s drive from Pakistan’s nuclear arsenal, germ warfare seemed manageable.

Joan Rivers won Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” The final scene was held in the American Museum of Natural History. She and Trump had a big fight at the fossil exhibition about which one was forming a better oil pool.

Pope Benedict (right) made his first visit to Israel guarded by 80,000 officers. He told Israelis and Palestinians to find a way to get along. Next he’s going to settle that Roadrunner-Coyote thing.

The Postal Service raised stamp prices to 44 cents. It also threatened to end Saturday service if business doesn’t pick up. The government just announced that unless everyone buys a GM car, they’re going to sell them for $100,000 and they’ll only have two tires.

Keifer Sutherland faced assault charges and jail after he head-butted a fashion designer in New York. Americans love barfights. It reminds us what baseball players were like before steroid use made them too rich to interact with others.

Manny Ramirez was suspected by endocrinologists to have taken female fertility drugs to restore his testosterone level after cycling off steroids. At least that makes sense. Up till now, the L.A. Dodger’s only maternal instinct was nursing a Corona.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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