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Humor: Yankee’s empty $2,000 seats

The New York Yankees were reported to be embarrassed about the empty $2,000-per-seat section. It’s been a rude awakening. When the tickets were priced last year, the Yankees had no idea the New Yorkers who could afford them were running Ponzi schemes from laptop computers in their home offices.

The President slashed Chrysler’s ad budget in half. This is his area of expertise. Barack Obama told the automaker it didn’t need $100 million in advertising if the company can just run a few negative ads in Iowa and get Chris Matthews on its side.

President Obama will address the Arab world from Egypt in two weeks. He thinks coexisting with the Muslim world depends on communication. In case he’s wrong, he will speak from behind bulletproof glass and hire local kids to start his car.

The White House released photos of Air Force One flying low over New York City. Cell phone videos showed people running through the streets in panic. The Air Force One flyover project has been renamed the President’s Project on Physical Fitness.

Roger Clemens (right) hired a publicist to battle steroid charges. Athletes have a new angle for public sympathy. Doctors say steroids will shorten your life by 30 years, but the players say they are just doing their part to keep Social Security solvent.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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