Tucson CitizenTucson Citizen

Humor: Yankees or GM – you’ll lose either way

Barclays Capital declared the recession ended in April. But we are still a long way from recovery. With $5,000 you can either go to a Yankees game or you can buy a controlling interest in General Motors and watch a big loss either way.

President Obama decided to block release of the photos of terror-detainee abuse. They show detainees naked with their hands up in the air. Nobody bought the Bush administration’s story that they were putting on a prison production of “Oh, Calcutta!”

Colin Powell suggested that Republicans stop listening to Rush Limbaugh because he warps the party. The general is understandably bitter. He was in charge of peace efforts and diplomacy in the Bush administration, and all he got out of it was carpal tunnel syndrome from playing solitaire on his office computer for four years.

Somali pirates retreated to the African shores when the annual monsoons arrived, making the sea too rough for pirate boats to chase tankers. It caused environmentalists to tear their hair out. They can’t figure out why the climate is saving the oil industry.

Jimmy Carter (right) told the U.S. Senate that energy independence is as important today as it was 30 years ago when he was president. He’s so right. We were relying on imported cocaine for our energy needs in the Carter era and it’s no different today.

The White House announced President Obama will go to Normandy and speak on the 65th anniversary of the D-Day invasion. He’s seen pictures of the landing. He wants to go to France to apologize personally for America littering their beaches.

The Kremlin said President Obama will visit Russia in July. The nations’ leaders are going to have a long talk about political prisoners. The Russians are refusing to do business with the United States until Obama releases the auto executives.

Sarah Palin was asked to join the GOP’s national listening tour. The party had no choice but to invite her. Mitt Romney could wear a short skirt and a tank top to these rallies, and nobody would pay a nickel to see him.

The Titanic Memorial Cruise is set to sail from England for New York three years from now, on the 100th anniversary of the ill-fated voyage. The luxury liner Balmoral will retrace the route of the Titanic. For anyone who didn’t see the bottom of the ocean during the financial crisis, this is your chance.

President Obama blocked prisoner abuse pictures after consulting his generals. Wise move. They felt it would inflame Arab opinion against U.S. troops across the Middle East, as opposed to the toga party they throw for us every night now.

The Social Security Administration said it mailed stimulus checks last month to 10,000 deceased Americans. The government sent $250 to each of 10,000 dead people. In Chicago, that’s what’s known as “get out the vote” money.

Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail: argus@argushamilton.com

Citizen Online Archive, 2006-2009

This archive contains all the stories that appeared on the Tucson Citizen's website from mid-2006 to June 1, 2009.

In 2010, a power surge fried a server that contained all of videos linked to dozens of stories in this archive. Also, a server that contained all of the databases for dozens of stories was accidentally erased, so all of those links are broken as well. However, all of the text and photos that accompanied some stories have been preserved.

For all of the stories that were archived by the Tucson Citizen newspaper's library in a digital archive between 1993 and 2009, go to Morgue Part 2

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